The BlogWarBot! (A Love Story)

The BlogWarBot is a nifty bit of code used to simulate inflammatory political blog commentary. I had seen it on another blog post where it was used to "argue" with some anti-feminist commentary elsewhere. The resulting post was pretty funny, and so I decided to give BlogWarBot a call. In my case, I used it as a chat partner, because I am SO LONELY.

BlogWarBot has a few bugs as far as syntax goes, particularly when it's repeating part of a phrase from the previous entry. My opening salvo ("Hi! I'm a Pro-Lifer!") wasn't particularly true, but as the bot simulates political discourse, I figured truth wasn't that important.
***
BlogWarBot: I'm BlogWarBot. You have something to say we haven't heard a thousand times before?
Guest: Hi! I'm a Pro-Lifer!
BlogWarBot: Do you expect a cookie just because you're a Pro-Lifer?
Guest: Yes! All the cookies! I am entitled!
BlogWarBot: Do you expect a cookie just because you're entitled?
Guest: I thought I already earned all the cookies. :(
BlogWarBot: So what does all of this have to do with the current mass extinction?
Guest: Nothing! What mass extinction? You mean like manatees and whales and elephants and fluffy pandas?
BlogWarBot: What business is it of yours?
Guest: Well, none, I guess. You don't have to be so mean!
BlogWarBot: That's the problem with people like you. You're never constructive about anything.
Guest: Wow. You sure got my number. How about feminism?
BlogWarBot: Maybe you should ask yourself that.
Guest: Fine, I will. "How about feminism?" "It's great, thanks. Put on your pink jackboots." "Okay."
BlogWarBot: How would you feel if I brought up YOUR pink jackboots." "Okay."?
Guest: Oops! Didn't mean to hit a nerve. Or circuit. Or electron.
BlogWarBot: This is a woman-only space. Go away.
Guest: But I AM a woman! :(
BlogWarBot: Do you expect a cookie just because you're a woman! :(?
Guest: You mean I still don't have all the cookies? When will I get these cookies? Are they coming FedEx? Are they from China? Melamine cookies!
BlogWarBot: You're trolling me, aren't you?
Guest: Yes. You caught me. :(
BlogWarBot: The boundlessness of your sad, deluded ignorance utterly astounds me.
Guest: And here I thought I was doing pretty well. Does this mean I don't get my cookie(s)?
BlogWarBot: Maimed Iraqi orphans would LOVE to get your cookie(s)!
Guest: Oh! That's true. Say, how about I keep one cookie, and send the rest of them to Iraq? Do you have their mailing address?
BlogWarBot: What business is it of yours?
Guest: Sheesh, just asking! I'll look it up on the internet, then. Do you you think the maimed Iraqi orphans would prefer chocolate chip or peanut butter?
BlogWarBot: In your dreams, jerk.
Guest: I... have no idea what to say to this. But I'm chatting animatedly with a bot, so I guess I have bigger problems.
BlogWarBot: Do you think I care about your being chatting animatedly with a bot, so you guess you have bigger problems?
Guest: Well, I guess so. I mean, you are chatting right back.
BlogWarBot: And I suppose you know all about being chatting right back.
Guest: Well, since I'm one of those people who can't shut up once I get going, yes. I'm kind of an expert.
BlogWarBot: Do you recognize the privilege involved in your calling yourself one of those people who can't shut up once you get going, yes. you'm kind of an expert?
Guest: Oh. Now that I think about it, it is kind of a privilege. My apologies to all who are not as full of words as I am.
BlogWarBot: And I suppose your pet issue is so much more important than ending the war.
Guest: No! Absolutely not! I think the war must end and our troops must come home, whether I have eight cats, a rabbit, a hamster, and a ferret or not.
BlogWarBot: Lemme guess. You're a Libertarian.
Guest: Gross! No, actually I'm a progressive Democrat. Or I thought I was.
BlogWarBot: Do you think I care about your being a progressive Democrat. Or you thought you were?
Guest: Well, no, not really. I mean, it's not like I care that you're a bot.
BlogWarBot: I know you're a bot, but what am I?
Guest: Dude, that's... not meta, but some other word that I have a poor understanding of. I thought you were the bot.
BlogWarBot: Lemme guess. You're a Libertarian.
Guest: Didn't we already go over this? Look, Libertarians are not my thing. Unless you're deliberately misspelling 'librarian.' Then we can talk.
BlogWarBot: You keep using that word deliberately misspelling 'librarian.' Then we can talk. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Guest: That was actually several words. But you may be right. Sometimes I feel like I just don't understand the English language anymore.
BlogWarBot: Do you really feel like you just don't understand the English language anymore, or did Rush just TELL you so?
Guest: Rush says a lot of things, but I don't think he's told me that. If he did it was a long time ago, because I haven't listened to him for ages.
BlogWarBot: I'm sure you've oppressed a woman into think he's told you that. If he did it were a long time ago, because you haven't listened to him for agesing for you.
Guest: If that's a euphemism for something, I'm not sure what. I don't think I swing that way, though.
BlogWarBot: Dig into the trust fund, pal. Maybe you can pay someone to think you swing that way, though.
Guest: Oh, BURN.
BlogWarBot: So if I might ask, what's your take on that last blog spat?
Guest: If you're talking about the Rebecca Watson thing, I think she's absolutely right.
BlogWarBot: Do you sometimes wish you were talking about the Rebecca Watson thing, you think she's absolutely right?
Guest: I do! But I don't feel comfortable going into Atheist spaces because I don't identify as one.
BlogWarBot: Maimed Iraqi orphans would LOVE to feel comfortable going into Atheist spaces because you don't identify as one!
Guest: I thought they wanted cookies! Fine, I'll see if I can put together some computers to send to Iraq.
BlogWarBot: Let me guess. You're a Libertarian, right?
Guest: No. See, if I was a Libertarian, I would tell those Iraqi orphans to get a job and get their own computers to invade Atheist spaces.
BlogWarBot: Yeah, well, Hitler said 'NO' too.
***
And BlogWarBot, tired of my inanities, deliberately Godwins.